Doin’ It BIG: Thoughts on FOX’s More to Love

July 31, 2009

You have to hand it to FOX—when it comes to reality television, they just keep pushing the envelope. Remember The Swan, where supposedly ugly women underwent extensive plastic surgery and then competed against each other in a beauty pageant? How about The Littlest Groom? And who could possibly forget the incredible Man vs. Beast, which boasted such “challenges” as a group of 44 dwarves competing against an Asian Elephant to pull a commercial jet? With the new series More to Love, which premiered Tuesday, FOX aims to continue its reality legacy, this time bringing us a show about a 300-lb. bachelor looking for his plus-sized soulmate.

As a connoisseur of trashy reality TV, I’ve eagerly awaited this new arrival, and the first episode did not dissapoint. Compared to The Swan, the show’s premise is actually pretty benign, and although the editing does lean a little heavily on the “fat girls crying into the camera” thing, More to Love doesn’t seem overtly concerned with exploiting its contestants. What a surprise! Also surprising was that, dare I say it, I found myself strangely attracted to some of the contestants. I think as I’ve grown older, my standards have decreased considerably, because I definitely would smash some of these chicks. I guess dating them would be another story, but who knows! I know one thing: the dude on this show has it made. This guy can hit the club any day of the week and go home with a fine-ass woman (at least in his eyes.) The girl will be grateful he’s not checking for her skinny friends, and there’ll be a hell-of-a-lot less competition from the other fellas. And the guy doesn’t have to lower his standards to do it, because big girls are actually his thing! Makes me wish I had his tastes. Perhaps I just have to acquire them. Well, here goes step one. Drumroll, please!

Girls of More to Love That I Would Smash

Amanda -- 510, 235 lbs.

Amanda -- 5'10," 235 lbs.

Maybe it’s just the Armenian in me, but I would knock boots with this olive-skinned cutie. Am I right, Delanian?

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Stop cupcakin’ and get your cake up

July 30, 2009

Via Cocaine Blunts. Some cat named Rafael Casal drops 100 Bay Area slang terms in 3 minutes, with definitions for the tardy and lame. It was nice to hear the word “twomp” explained; I remember I had to do that shit all the time when I lived in L.A. Funny how this dude complains about other regions jacking Bay slang, but then makes it easier by cramming a ton of it into one song and painstakingly explaining every term. It’s almost like he wants folks to bite.

In case you missed this

July 30, 2009

This shit is kinda old by now, but I just stumbled across it last week. Hard to know what to make of this one. On the one hand, T-Pain gets comedy props for making light of hip-hop’s trend toward increasingly ridiculous chains. On the other, seeing as how this 10-lb, 197-karat monstrosity is the real deal (valued at a whopping $410,000) he also becomes one of the most egregious examples of said trend. Here’s hoping some hungry person ganks this shit in Africa. It wouldn’t be the first time.

A comeback that nobody wants.

July 27, 2009


Just when you thought you couldn’t lose any more faith in humanity (or hip hop for that matter), Ja Rule plans a comeback.

Now while hip hop falls into the same ballpark as politics and religion in terms of never having any universal agreement, I think it’s safe to say that NOBODY, not even the most liberal or forgiving hip hop fan, wants to hear anything new from Ja. Dude is quite possibly the most unlistenable “artist” to ever enter the hip hop realm, and I’ve heard more than enough of my fair share of terrible shit in my time (Silkk The Shocker, anyone?). Admittedly I’ve never listened to a Ja Rule album in full, but honestly, aside from an album of his maybe having some halfway decent production, what does the guy have to offer?

-Wack, non-creative, uninspiring lyricism and flow? Check.

-Tired, overused subject matter and song concepts? Check.

-An annoying, growling voice that sounds better (albeit not much) coming from DMX? Check.

-God-awful attempts at singing while hypocritically trying to maintain a “gangsta” image at the same time? Check.

-Career essentially already destroyed by 50 Cent and Eminem, and probably his own wackness? Check.

-Guy just seems like a fucking asshole? Check.

Alright, alright, I admit that last one may be a little biased, but c’mon. You can be a douche and still make good music. Just look at Kanye (pre-808s And Heartbreak). What I never understood is how this guy ever got a record deal, let alone became so successful at one time. Dude was/is on Def Jam for fuck’s sake (although, if you’ve read my man Hook’s previous posts, many of Def Jam’s marketing strategies over the past several years have been far from good or smart). I just can’t picture credible artists like Jay-Z, Erick Sermon, Method Man, Redman and even R. Kelly agreeing to work with this guy, and yet they all have. Even more puzzling is the concept of Ja having actual fans. And by fans, I’m not referring to teenagers and college girls who will shake their asses to anything “with a beat”; they don’t know any better. I mean people who actually listen to hip hop and name Ja as one of their favorite artists. I’m not seeing it.

Referring to the link I posted above, I find it rather comical that Ja is reaching out to his “fans” to help him come up with a title for his new album, as if anybody gives a fuck about his new shit dropping. In an age where iTunes and ringtones dominate the music industry, do you really think anybody is checking for a new Ja Rule album (not to mention, a new Ja Rule jewelry line)? Getdafuckouttahere.

Silkk The Shocker, where are you when we need you?

(Word to the homie Hook, how’s this for a first post?)

Honk Tonk Badonk

July 27, 2009
Vodpod videos no longer available.

Trace Adkins — Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk

A couple of weeks ago I was chilling with the homie (and non-blogging-ass “contributor”)  Stretch at this all-Asian bar in the Excelsior, when all of a sudden this shit comes on the jukebox. Now whoever had gotten their hands on the machine had already subjected us to a string of awful nu-country songs (dude must’ve thrown in like five bucks), so it took a moment for this one to really differentiate itself from the rest. But once that chorus came in, we both did a double-take. Instantly my mind went from wondering which asshole had fed the jukebox (and, incidentally, since when Asians liked country) to whether I had just heard what I thought I’d heard. Did he…could he have possibly just said “badonkadonk?”

Sadly, he had. And apparently he wasn’t just content to sing about it. Today I finally searched “honky tonk badonkadonk” on Youtube, and to my surprise this shit came up, spelled just as I had imagined. Apparently it dropped in 2005, and must’ve been a huge hit, judging by the myriad favorable comments (sample: “this music video should be outlawd for tdmsw (to damn many sexy women)”) The strangest thing about this video is that, despite its complete absence of black people (or any other minority, for that matter) the whole thing is basically a carbon copy of the average, stereotypical rap video: Skimpily clad women, bling (check out Adkins’s iced-out brass knuckles), bottle service, a club that bears no resemblance to any “honkytonk” anywhere. There’s even the obligatory “artist standing in front, girls dancing in unison behind him” shots, with Adkins smoking a cigar and hand-gesturing instead of playing his guitar. I mean, he might as well be rapping. Which is weird, because I can’t imagine anyone who seriously listens to this liking rap. I guess, like the song’s appropriation of yesterday’s hottest slang,  it’s just another example of hip-hop taking over American culture, even the seemingly immune genre of country music.

Anyway, social analysis aside, this video is pretty hilarious. If you can’t sit through the whole thing, I suggest fast-forwarding to about 3:32. Priceless.

Hungry and Humble

July 24, 2009

Say what you will about Earl Stevens, the man has a staying power almost unrivaled in hip-hop. After a whopping 20 years in the game, the emcee known as Charlie Hustle still sounds as inspired as ever;  in fact, his flow seems to improve with every passing year. And while he hasn’t put out a classic album since 2002’s Grit and Grind, the Ambassador of the Bay can still be counted on to rip a guest appearance, no matter how ridiculous the song (Alright so maybe he can be a bit too generous with his time.) But the point is, E-40 doesn’t turn down work. True to his mantra of staying  “hungry and humble,” the Watter will guest on just about anything, and he always seems to come with his hardest. My Ghetto Report Card may not have succeeded in making him an A-list emcee, but since its release 40 has become a go-t0-guy for B-list remixes—a sort of franchise league pinch-hitter capable of elevating even the most obnoxious records. The following aren’t the only examples of this phenomenon, but they’re the most recent I’m aware of, and on every one 40 steals the show. With only a few exceptions, the other emcees aren’t fit to shine Earl’s shoes (fucking Sean Kingston?) but if 40 feels insulted he never lets on. He simply spits his usual gaso-line, making even the most unlistenable records enjoyable, if only for the duration of his verse.

Shawty Lo — Dey Know (Remix) ft. Young Jeezy, E-40, Plies & Gorilla Zoe

Shawty Lo can go play in traffic, but I gotta admit this beat knocks. Jeezy kills his verse too.

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Could this be the stripclub anthem of ’09?

July 23, 2009

Note: There’s a newer video for this that’s much sexier (and more fitting.) Embedding’s been disabled on Youtube but peep it here.

This shit is already garnering a steady buzz on radio and MTV/BET, but I thought I’d spotlight it because it’s such a fucking hot record. As my friend Max likes to point out, Twista is a somewhat limited rapper; he basically has one style which he does better than anyone else, but he’s incapable of really switching lanes. That’s why it was really interesting to watch him blow up a few years ago with “Slow Jamz” and “Overnight Celebrity;” all of a sudden Twist went from being a gimmick rapper (and a largely regional one at that) to an A-list emcee, with a number-one album to boot. Five years later and Twista’s no longer #1, but he proves on this joint that he’s nowhere near retirement. Produced by longtime Twista collaborator The Legendary Traxster, “Wetter” is better than just about anything currently on the radio, and its also one of the sexiest records you’re liable to hear all year. I have no doubt this shit is on repeat in stripclubs across America, and with good reason. “Wetter” isn’t one of those “Tip Drill“-type records that appeal to some ridiculous male fantasy while disgusting pretty much any woman who hears them. On the contrary, I can imagine ladies of all stripes getting quite turned on by this shit, “daddy” references and all  (word to my ex!) After the jump, check out a couple of said ladies (of the many on Youtube) putting the song to good use. Yee!

Oh, and one more thought. Can we get a remix to this with Luda???

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